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I Went On a 7-Day 'Sex Cruise', And It Was The Wildest Vacation Ever

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Well, I'll be fucked. If the world ever needs a something sex superhero, here he is. We found his girlfriend, who was also quite old, near the bar, hug-dancing and fingering an equally elderly woman dressed as a dominatrix, her saggy pancake titties totally exposed and drooping down to her belly button. Ah, the unmistakable appearance of the sexually frustrated.

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Without a single word, she wrapped her arms around his head and made out with him real sloppy. It was actually kind of gross. Tongues everywhere. Who the hell is Eileen? Linda threw her hands up and grinded her hips against me.

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It was cute. Suddenly, the old dominatrix lady closed in on us, sandwiching me between Linda, and shouted something in German to her husband, who was dancing by himself nearby. The Hugh Hefner guy handed me his business card as I was backing away towards the exit, gave me a high-five with one hand, a simultaneous smack on the ass with the other, and concluded with a wink.

He knows how to have a good time. On my way out of the disco, I took a quick peek into the "Play Room," which was the official designated sex area of the ship, and saw one couple ing, another engaged in a strange take on missionary, another going at it doggy style, and one lonesome man jerking off to porn that was playing on a giant screen. I was no longer fazed by any of this, so I just walked out without a second glance, went to my room, and went to sleep.

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That was enough excitement for one night. The next day was my birthday, so naturally, I spent the entire afternoon day-drinking in Zadar, Croatia, to celebrate successfully completing another year on earth. By the time I got back to the ship, it was in the evening, I was approximately 60 percent fucked up, and I was so ready to see what this sex cruise had to offer tonight.

I must have knocked out for a toasty evening nap for a little while, because the next thing I knew, it wasit was dark out, deep house music was blasting, the ship was speeding along in open waters An orgy!

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There must have been 10 people in that hot tub, and in the ultimate act of teamwork, 4 of them had linked arms to make a human bed in the water for a woman who was being eaten out by some dude who looked like a Backstreet Boy, while another, voluptuous woman looked on and coached them, like a ringleader.

A few minutes later, the lady had a loud orgasm, hopped off her human bed, gently kissed the Backstreet Boy on the forehead, and was replaced by a different woman, who the Backstreet Boy proceeded to eat out as well.

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That's not something you see every day. Between mouthfuls of steak, I spotted a middle-aged man with his shirt unbuttoned, eyes half closed, a chain hanging off his nipples.

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An attractive woman in a totally sheer dress was standing behind him, tugging the chains, and both of them were completely oblivious to the fact that they were at dinner with some people on the pool deck of an ocean liner. No big deal, right? But after everything I had seen throughout the week, this was nothing.

Cruise Line Stock #2 - Carnival Cruise Lines (CCL) Carnival Cruise Lines was founded in when it began as a small cruise ship operator. The company has been publicly traded since , starting what has become a long tradition of using shareholder capital to acquire other cruise lines.

Before boarding the ship for this epic week-long sexcation, I wasn't super sure what it'd be like, since this was Desire's first cruise ever. But I knew for sure it'd be a good time, considering it's a goddamn sex cruise. How can something like that ever be bad?

And like I said before, it was legendary. Absolutely incredible. If you want to experience the ineffable joy of going on a sex cruise and then telling your friends about it, Desire's Barcelona cruise is coming up in April, so you better book fast.

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